After a job loss, executives and professionals are supposed to be unemotional towers of strength. Like Superman, who can stop a speeding bullet, we should be able to absorb the blow to our egos and start seeking new opportunities almost immediately.
To be sure, some grieving is permitted, especially if you were with your company for many years. If you're a senior executive, you'll probably receive outplacement counseling, where you'll learn how to handle the emotional fallout after a termination. But you'll be expected to quickly move on to the job of finding a new position.
For many people, this assistance is hardly adequate. It hurts to be laid off, and overcoming the trauma takes time, understanding and in some cases, professional guidance. Nowadays, the average length of outplacement assistance is too short to complete the grieving process--and find a job. Moreover, the goal of outplacement firms is to propel clients into new employment, not nurse them through their feelings. They don't see psychological counseling as their primary role, nor are they qualified to provide it.
"Outplacement is limited by its mission--job-search implementation, not psychological transition," says Claudia Gentner, co-founder of Seagate Associates, a Paramus, N.J.-based outplacement firm. "Although emotions aren't overlooked, it's not fair to expect the industry's purpose to be helping job searchers work through deep emotional and behavioral issues associated with this major life transition."
And what about layoff victims who don't receive company-paid career counseling and are job hunting from home? After the initial shock of their termination wears off, many fall into a deep emotional hole without knowing why or how to get out. Professionals describe their dilemma as a type of paralysis that varies from person to person in depth and severity.
It's often hard to recognize this syndrome, especially if a job seeker appears to be taking positive steps, says Ms. Gentner. Such candidates seem to be getting organized or focused, but are actually just "dancing around" and accomplishing nothing, she says. One biotechnician spent weeks creating a networking database without calling a single contact, while a product manager kept reassessing his skills without using the results.
Strong Emotional Stages
If you're experiencing wide mood swings following a termination, you're not alone. Most people go through distinct emotional stages after a layoff. William Bridges, author of "Job Shift: How to Prosper in a Workplace Without Jobs" (1994, Addison Wesley), says you can expect to pass through three overlapping phases: an ending, neutral zone and new beginning. During the ending, you'll disengage from your old identity, while in the neutral zone, you're between "two ways of doing and being, having lost the old and not yet having found a way to live with the new," he says. You're in the new beginning stage when you forge a fresh identity based on your current circumstances.
But most professionals believe the five grief stages identified in the 1970s by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, "Death and Dying" (1970, Collier Books), best describe the emotional phases that occur after a job loss. These phases, which may not occur in order, include:
1. Denial and isolation. This is a defense mechanism that allows you to turn your back on reality and pretend that nothing serious has happened. Many people don't know when they're in denial and need to be confronted about it by a trusted friend or professional.
2. Anger. Chronic anger is corrosive and will devour you and those around you. Take concrete steps to recognize your anger and its various forms, and to eliminate the associated behaviors. Remember: your best revenge is your ultimate success.
3. Bargaining. Trying to make a deal so things can go back to the way they were is a form of denial. Examine the internal obstacles that keep you from moving forward. Seek feedback from friends and colleagues and always show appreciation of their time so they'll continue to support you.
4. Depression. This is a normal feeling that often accompanies the loss of something, including a job. It's actually a healthy stage as long as you don't remain depressed too long. Talk to good friends and advisers about your situation, and express your fears about your finances, future job prospects, security or status. Exercising and staying active socially will help you move through the depression. Don't view yourself as a victim. You can create your own future.
5. Acceptance. When you reach this state, you're halfway toward your goal of taking control of your future. If you become upset, stay focused and deal with the problem until you overcome it. Determine your difficulties and resolve them without getting sidetracked by negative emotions.
It's possible that you'll skip or repeat a stage. For this reason, it's often better to describe the stages as "states," says Robert Fraum, a psychologist in New York City and White Plains, N.Y.
"A stage is something you pass through and don't return to, such as going from a tadpole to a frog," he says. "A state, such as anger or depression, can be revisited." Unless you know this, it's easy to feel that "I've lost my job and I can't even get my damn stages right!" Dr. Fraum says.
One computer professional used the grieving stages to describe his feelings about a job loss with his spouse and thought he'd accepted his situation. After some unsettling interviews and networking meetings, he began to re-experience stress and low self-esteem. Together, the couple realized that he'd returned to the anger stage and was misdirecting his rage at his former employer on himself and family members.
How paralyzed you become depends on how prepared you are for a job loss, how long you held your previous job, your emotional fortitude and your support system, say career professionals. To grieve is normal, and experiencing the grieving stages isn't a problem unless you become stuck in one of them, says Dr. Fraum.
One way to become unstuck is to look at the positive side of your situation. If you view your job loss as a learning experience that will ultimately make you stronger and open new doors, you can take advantage of the opportunities it presents. View each step forward as valuable, even if your gains aren't immediately apparent. Fill your free time with productive activities. One job hunter wrote a book about how to survive unemployment and now has both a new position and a manuscript he's circulating to publishers.
Saying No to Stress
Although unemployment creates anxiety and fear, take steps to reduce your stress level as you pass through the grieving stages. Too much stress can cloud your judgment and affect your decision-making ability. For instance, if you're overly stressed, you might:
- Complacently decide to continue in an insecure job or career path, ignoring the warning signs of a layoff, such as a demotion, not being included in meetings or being shunned by other managers.
- Agree to take a risky or conspicuous path without preparing for setbacks.
- Avoid situations or decisions by procrastinating, shifting responsibility, rationalizing or dreaming about unrealistic alternatives.
- Become panicked and impulsively seize on poor solutions that promise immediate relief.
Many people don't know when they're under stress or the degree of stress they're experiencing. This often happens if you were encouraged to suppress your emotions as a child. Left unchecked, stress can affect your health and relationships, so watch for its emotional and physical symptoms (see the adjacent chart). Meanwhile, without spending too much money, try these activities to keep stress in check:
1. Physical activity. Remember, walking counts!
2. Going to movies or the theater; watching TV; playing computer games; starting or enjoying hobbies.
3. Therapy and biofeedback.
4. Visiting a spa for a day of pampering.
5. Recognizing and avoiding toxic people. Maintain relationships with good, supportive friends.
6. Avoiding alcohol and drugs and maintaining a healthy diet.
Manage Your Paralysis
To overcome inertia, you may need help from others. Seek support for your job search from a friend, relative or professional who can help you create a viable plan. In addition, learn to use your free time wisely so you take full advantage of your unemployment, says Day Wardlaw, a New York career development consultant.
"Perhaps for the first time, you'll have a lot of time on your hands," she says. "Use it positively. Plan to accomplish things you always wanted to do but never had the time, or that will give you positive experiences and bring joy to your life."
Although he actively networked for a new job, a 30-year-old former senior vice president was surprised that doors didn't open as he expected. He decided to take a three-week vacation, and returned relaxed, creative and willing to share more with his contacts. This rejuvenated his search, says Dr. Wardlaw.
Another executive had spent all her free time attending night school and caring for an ill relative. After a layoff, she took a vacation, then returned to do volunteer work, which she'd never done before. The experience allowed her to gain new skills, do some soul-searching and eventually make a career change to a field that better matched her values.
Knowing that you're conducting a realistic and effective job search that will lead to a meaningful new position can help lower your stress level. Start by taking these steps:
Never neglect your support system, since this is when you need it most. Don't unintentionally push people away by shutting down emotionally or devaluing their assistance. For instance, be sure to thank contacts for networking and job leads and inform them of the outcome of their assistance.
One candidate likened the outplacement business to the funeral industry because he saw his job loss as a death, Ms. Gentner says. Until he could view his termination as a chance to reinvent himself, his attitude pushed his support group away, she says.
Safeguard Your Future
The best way to keep stress at bay is to gain job security by continuing to acquire new skills. Then, if your present occupation declines, you'll still be employable in another.
Don't ignore events that might affect your department or position in the future, such as a merger, restructuring or downsizing. Also heed the warning signs that you're being singled out for a job change. These might include being asked to move to a less desirable office space, a wage freeze, fewer assignments or being passed over for a promotion. Be aware of office politics and know the movers and shakers in your company and industry.
Knowing that you aren't powerless and can control your career can help you avoid paralysis and quickly move on to new opportunities following a termination, says Dr. Fraum. "To the degree that you can adapt and redefine yourself to meet current realities, you [can succeed] in your job search in a much shorter period of time," he says.
For most job hunters, grief, depression and anger is a contagious disease that destroys everything in its path. The antidote is you. See the bright side of your transition, then identify new areas you want to pursue in a timetable that works for you. Remember, life isn't a dress rehearsal, so make every moment positive.
--Ms. Bowman is president of Career Strategies Inc., a New York-based job-search support group.
