Losing a job and searching for another can be a lonely and difficult experience. The first trauma is separating your "self" from a major life role. For many adults, a job is a primary source of personal and professional identity, says Leslie Mayer, a Gladwyne, Pa.-based psychologist. Not only does a job loss uproot your sense of purpose and direction, it challenges you to redefine who you are. The question of what to do next can be overwhelming.
As you struggle with these issue, you must also cope with managing your family life during unemployment. A multitude of challenges, including day-to-day issues, emotional ups and downs, your relationship with your children and your spouse's career beliefs can affect your attitude. To ease the pain for you and your family, review the following examples and tips on how to handle them.
Daily Routines
If you're unemployed and conducting a job search from home, your domestic routine may be disturbed. Even if your spouse works, you may feel that you get in each other's way.
When working, one 45-year-old sales and marketing executive traveled often and typically left the house at 6 a.m. After losing his job, he and his wife soon began to clash over everyday activities. Her job was in retail and she liked to have breakfast at the kitchen counter before leaving for work in the late morning. Meanwhile, he liked to sit at the kitchen counter and start making job-search phone calls early each morning. Even worse, after a full day of networking and interviewing, he liked to watch television and drink a beer. When his wife returned home from work, it seemed as though he'd been a couch potato all day.
Tip: Talking about disruptions in the household routine can "clear the air." Each person should acknowledge the adjustments that must be made and be more respectful and supportive of each other.
Domestic Duties
Unemployed professionals and their spouses must negotiate other issues as well, such as the division of domestic labor. Many partners incorrectly believe the unemployed person is now available for all kinds of tasks: chauffeuring, errands, laundry and unfinished household projects. You'll compound your problems if you take on too many extra responsibilities. These activities may make you procrastinate or become too busy to concentrate on your job search.
Tip: If necessary, take time to recuperate from the shock of losing your job, but set goals and start your job search as soon as possible. Help your family understand that what may look like inactivity is really time you need for reflection. But remember, the longer you delay, the harder it may be to find the energy for your search.
Financial Worries
Delays in a job search can affect household finances. Even if you've received a severance package and unemployment compensation, concerns about money create stress for family members. Review your financial commitments and spending priorities with your spouse.
Tip: As soon as possible after a layoff, analyze your income, assets and liabilities. Pay off or consolidate debt, if feasible, and follow a budget. Worry less about image and lifestyle and focus on managing your money wisely.
Managing Emotions
If you've just lost a job, you may experience a wide range of feelings, including denial, anger, guilt, fear, doubt, a sense of betrayal and even relief. Perhaps you can't stop thinking about why you were terminated and how the decision was handled. But obsessive thoughts, combined with dwelling on past choices and missed opportunities, can make you an emotional wreck.
Tip: Negative emotions come from negative thoughts. Don't waste energy focusing on these thoughts. Try to overcome them and apply your energy to your job-search goals.
Blame Issues
At home, you may feel your spouse blames you for your job loss, perhaps because you weren't "political" enough or didn't upgrade your skills. If you or your partner sees unemployment as a reflection of your inadequacy, you're more likely to feel depressed and hopeless, says Rena Rubel, a psychotherapist in Wayne, Pa. It's more productive to view a termination as part of a larger change in the workplace, she says.
Tip: Remind your partner that you're trying to face your shortcomings and that you need support. Criticism won't help you regain your self-esteem.
Changing Values
Job loss can evoke a sense of relief, especially if you weren't happy or were under extreme stress at your work. You may enjoy the freedom to re-examine your values, priorities and career goals. But if your partner isn't comfortable with your changing values, there's potential for conflict. Your spouse may feel you should take a job just to restore your income. An unexpected change in career direction may threaten or cause jealousy in your spouse.
After losing his job, a 56-year-old biologist wanted to work full-time at his tree farm. The change meant that he and his family would have to move and make financial sacrifices. His wife opposed the move for several reasons. As they discussed their future, they learned things about each other's values and goals that they hadn't known before and were able to compromise. In this case, a job loss triggered a discussion of values that revitalized the whole family.
Tip: Discuss or write down what you and your spouse want for the future. Identify areas of agreement and discuss solutions to problems.
Children's Concerns
Many parents avoid telling children about a job loss for fear they'll worry or because the parent is embarrassed. However, children can sense when something is wrong. If they feel you're not giving them important information, they may become mistrustful or feel that you're hiding something.
Tip: Explain your situation to your children and include them as you and your spouse discuss future plans. How you behave during your unemployment can be a lesson for them in how to face life's difficulties.
Spouse Concerns
You and your spouse may find that you're disagreeing more often after a job loss. After a 36-year-old financial executive lost her $80,000-a-year job, she spent months looking for work. Her husband, a lawyer, couldn't understand why and scoffed when she talked about changing to a less lucrative career. However, he never had to conduct an executive job search or even write a resume.
To resolve this situation, the executive had to find the core reason for her husband's disapproval. Was he discouraging her career change because he feared a loss of income or image? Was he embarrassed to admit he viewed money as so important? By openly communicating, you can learn the reasons for your spouse's beliefs.
Tip: If you and your spouse have conflicting beliefs, you must either accept each other's beliefs or work toward compromise.
A job loss doesn't have to damage family relationships. Some actually grow stronger because spouses learn how to support each other during a hardship, says Ms. Mayer. The key is being able to communicate and compromise with other family members and face the practical and emotional issues surrounding job loss.
-- Ms. Miller is a career management consultant in the Allentown, Pa., and Reading, Pa., offices of Right Management Consultants Inc., a human resources consulting firm based in Philadelphia, Pa.
