Fred was one of my schoolmates from fourth grade all through
college.
He was a loner, a total introvert and painfully shy, with all the
baggage that comes with it: the dead-fish handshake, the downcast eyes that
never quite meet yours, the halting, barely audible stabs at
conversation.
Still, Fred was sincere, honest, hardworking -- a thoroughly decent
person.
I'm sure Fred went through high school without ever having a date. I can
remember how, on graduation day, many of us trolled the halls to corral our
classmates into signing our yearbooks. We competed with each other to see
who could fill the most pages with reminiscences and tributes from our
friends.
But not Fred. Once again, too timid, too shy. It would be a force job
for Fred to go up to a classmate and request this easy favor.
Fast forward to college.
Somehow, Fred managed to get into a fraternity. Maybe it was because he
never had a bad word to say about anyone. Maybe he was a "legacy." Maybe it
was because Fred decided it was something he wanted badly enough to come
out of his cocoon and really go for.
What was it that changed him? Only The Shadow knows.
Whatever it was, whatever it took, a new Fred began to emerge. By our
last year in college, he was unrecognizable from the Fred of our
high-school years. He'd become popular and gregarious. Fred's "lost years"
in high school hadn't been entirely wasted. He seemed to know more about
swing music and jazz than anyone else on campus, probably from listening to
it alone in his room. He'd also developed a flair for dancing, a
considerable social advantage.
After college, Fred and several of his fraternity brothers formed a
partnership in the automotive business. They became very successful. Most
of us know people like Fred. Some of them never manage to shake off their
early problems. Others do.
For some people, networking is as natural and instinctive as breathing.
They're self-confident, radiate optimism, make friends easily and seem to
glide through life on winged feet. Not many of them will be readers of this
article. Why should they be? They do this stuff without even having to
think about it. They network with their alarm clocks when they wake up in
the morning.
This article is addressed to the rest of us, the high-school Freds of
the world, those not quite so sure of ourselves, perhaps a bit shy, even
timid. We're not out there bowling over everyone we meet with our dazzling
smiles or brilliant conversation. We're not even out there bowling.
Like Learning to Swim
For most people, networking is a learned behavior, like learning to
swim. It's a gradual and often painful -- even scary -- process of trial
and error, small incremental steps and, finally, a few breakthroughs.
Fortunately, there are several tried-and-true techniques for overcoming
this fear of trying:
1. Practice "let's pretend."
Why do we procrastinate? Why are we shy? We fear failure, and we define
failure as falling short of perfection. Since perfection is impossible to
achieve, we're conflicted and act tentatively or not at all.
Plato said each thing or idea has a perfect form. While we can never
achieve the ideal form, we should attempt to come as close as we can by
observing and emulating the characteristics of the ideal.
Let's segue from the ancient Greeks to you, the modern angst-ridden
networker. Suppose there's someone you want to meet. You've done your
homework, you're aware of an affinity or shared experience with this
person, but you're afraid to make the first move.
Why not play a game with yourself? The name of the game is "Let's
Pretend."
Ask yourself, "What would the ideal networker do in this situation?"
Then pretend you're that person and do it. If you're able, you can reinvent
yourself. By pretending you are what you're not, you actually can become
what you've pretended to be.
2. Adopt a role model.
What's the difference between this suggestion and the Plato gambit? Your
ideal is real, not imagined. You aren't asking what the perfect person
would do. You've attached yourself to a successful networker and you're
committed to studying his or her techniques.
In the best of all possible worlds, your role models also can become
your mentors, helping you, advising you, guiding you, even lending you
their networks as you build your own.
For the shy or anxious person, this method has two advantages:
As you gain confidence and skills, your role model will take pride in
your progress and be motivated to do even more for you.
3. Take lessons.
You're taking one now, as you read this article, so you're already a
believer in the learning process. There are other, real-life educational
opportunities that are effective for overcoming shyness and
inexperience.
The first real networking school I signed up for after I got out of
college was Toastmasters. It proved so valuable to me that here I am, many
years later, being paid handsomely as a public speaker, even though my main
thrust is still running my business.
Toastmasters isn't just about making speeches. It's about doing your
homework, gaining self-confidence, presenting a good appearance and
becoming an interesting person and a valuable resource to others. In other
words, Toastmasters can help you gain and polish the tools to become a
successful networker.
The Dale Carnegie schools are designed to help students achieve similar
goals. I'm a graduate, and I can tell you from my own experience that
they're masters at instilling personal confidence, polish, poise,
communication and networking skills in their students. They've been around
a long time, an excellent indication that they're getting results.
And if you hope one day to be a professional public speaker, or if you
just want to sound like one, there's no better organization to join than
the National Speakers Association (NSA), headquartered in Tempe, Ariz. I'm
a member and collectively we speak to 20 million people a year. If you're
looking to hire a speaker for an event, this is the group to call. In fact,
I believe this organization is so worthwhile that I'm willing to make you a
promise. If you don't feel you got your money's worth the first year, send
me a copy of your canceled check and I'll give you a "Harvey Mackay
Scholarship" -- the second year's membership will be on me. NSA can be
reached at
www.nsaspeaker.org for information about national membership and local chapters.
4. Keep taking lessons.
Graduation isn't the end of your education. It's the foundation, the
launching pad, the beginning. Unless you keep your batteries charged,
they'll run down. For an ongoing source of inspiration and motivation, I
recommend subscribing to Norman Vincent Peale's publication, "Positive
Living." A similar publication in more condensed form is "Bits &
Pieces."
5. Join up.
Just about any group offers possibilities for making contacts and
achieving personal growth: Dancing. Choir. Coin-collecting.
Horseback-riding. Art appreciation. Theater-going. Antiques-shopping.
Politics. Great books. Wine. Food. You'll meet others with similar
interests who are ready to network.
6. Have a little faith in
yourself.
Dale Carnegie probably summed it up best: "You can make more friends in
two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in
two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just
another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one."
The more you exercise your networking muscles, the stronger they'll get
-- and the easier networking becomes.
Stand Out
One of the purposes of networking is to stand out from the pack. If you
network successfully, you'll become known as the person who can be counted
on to remember birthdays, offer praise for a promotion and is always just a
phone call away.
But what happens when everyone starts to do those things? You no longer
stand out. This is a problem, especially as more people begin to understand
the power of networking.
What do you do to make sure you stand out? You have to use your
imagination. And you have to take the extra step. Let me give you three
quick examples:
Don't ever send another business
Christmas card. Oh sure, they're lovely. Sending cards is a nice gesture
and everyone does it. But that's exactly the point. Everyone does it. And
because they do, nobody remembers them. Want proof? Ask yourself this: What
was the last Christmas card you remember receiving at the office?
Don't get lost in the crowd. Instead of sending Christmas cards, send
Thanksgiving cards (there are great ones out there). Your card will likely
be the first holiday impression a person gets. Always use a beautiful
commemorative stamp, and include a one-paragraph handwritten personal note.
And if you're resourceful, send out birthday cards.
Be polite. You don't think this will
make you stand out? You're wrong. We are all too time-stressed. We never
can get it all done. These days, the person who responds quickly to a phone
call or note has discovered a true way to be a differentiator.
One of the stories told about Billy Graham involves an incident that
occurred while he was in a diner with staff members. When the waitress
serving the group recognized Billy, she dropped her tray, scattering dishes
all over the place. Mr. Graham immediately leaped up and helped her clean
the mess. How many of us would reach out to another person and help her
through an embarrassing moment? Billy Graham's act defined good manners:
consideration for the feelings of others.
Send a creative present to a person's
kids. Be honest: What can you possibly get the Big Kahuna that's actually
going to impress her? But if you get her 10-year-old son an autographed
baseball from his favorite player, or a handwritten note to her daughter
from a well-known person, you probably won't have problems getting your
phone calls returned.
Geraldine Laybourne, a Nickelodeon television executive, found herself
seated next to the legendary Hollywood mogul Michael Ovitz during last
year's NBA playoffs. Although she'd never met Mr. Ovitz, she struck up a
conversation with his companion, who happened to be his nine-year-old son,
Eric.
"Ovitz pere was impressed," reported Leadership magazine. Six
months later, Mr. Ovitz, then president of Disney, called Ms. Laybourne and
persuaded her to leave Nickelodeon to become president of the Disney/ABC
Cable Networks. "In her new position, Laybourne will be the most visible
woman executive in broadcasting," according to Leadership. She's already
proven that she's one of the best networkers in the network business.
What do you have to offer that makes you memorable? What connects you
with the person you most want to be remembered by?
