Networking is still the most effective job-search and self-marketing tool, but when done ineptly, it's also the most obnoxious. Many job hunters blunder through the process, causing potential employers and contacts to feel misused and manipulated.

Why are so many professionals threatening to stop taking calls from job hunters interested in "sitting down to learn more about opportunities in the industry?" Has the word "networking" become a cliché or is the concept becoming obsolete? Or is a sound self-marketing technique being tainted by job seekers' inability to execute it effectively?

There's no doubt that the term "networking" is becoming trite and shopworn, the butt of sarcastic snickers and patronizing magazine cartoons. However, you don't have to take the word seriously to take the technique seriously. The magic isn't in the terminology, and a rose by any other name would work just as well to help you maximize your market visibility, gather information and gain employment.

As a concept, networking -- developing and building of personal relationships, of exchanging gossip for a purpose -- is a timeless natural human function. It can't die or file for bankruptcy. It's the abuse of the process that's creating hard feelings and cynicism.

Networking is being packaged as a canned, impersonal and manipulative technique. As a result, a lot of bad networking occurs. Many networking contacts are feeling used and abused, and the abusers are poisoning the well for others. Regardless of what the process is called, humans will always help each other unless their efforts are demeaned and unreciprocated. Job seekers who ignore this truth deserve the hostility they receive.

Failing to appreciate how we respond to opportunities to build relationships is behind most common networking abuses. At its most basic level, networking is about respecting people you'd like to form relationships with, the forces that initiate and shape the transaction, the roles of both parties before, during and after the initial meeting and the nuances of the relationship as it develops.

In all situations, networkers must understand and observe the basic rules:

• Individuals in a networking interaction need to feel that they're heard and respected and confer and receive value.
• In a networking relationship, the stakes are low, the risks are virtually non-existent and communication is above-board and informal.
• A networking meeting isn't a sales transaction. It's about building trust, gaining visibility, gathering anecdotal information and creating a favorable lasting impression.
• You must balance making your presentation with giving others an opportunity to share their wisdom. If you talk too much, contacts feel frustrated. If you're too quiet, you'll lose the opportunity to showcase your strengths.
• A networking meeting is a favor to the networker, who has little leverage. Using his or her interpersonal skills, the networker must make sure the meeting is meaningful.

Perhaps the most egregious miscue is masking the true reason for meeting with contacts. The "Great Agenda Switch" shows you don't respect their need to understand the basis for the relationship. It goes like this:

1. Networker asks for a simple low-stakes meeting to "shoot the breeze and get your thoughts on a few ideas."
2. Once face-to-face with the contact, networker throws on a full court press, badgering the contact for employment.
3. Contact throws networker out, defames networker publicly and refuses to network again.

Many skilled networkers have learned a soothing "decompression" statement, something to the effect of:

Lou, I want to thank you for taking the time to see me, and I appreciate your willingness to share your perspectives and insights. Let me emphasize that my purpose in asking to meet you isn't to request employment. Nor do I expect you to know of an opening for me. At this point, I just need information to help me focus my job-search efforts and broaden my visibility in the job market.

This is a good way to lower the stakes and the contact's defenses. If, however, the networker then shifts gears ("I would, of course, like to discuss possible employment here at Worldwide Widget"), the contact will feel manipulated. One networker even inadvertently "recompressed" while trying to decompress the meeting by saying, "I'm not here to ask you for a job -- although this sure looks like it would be a great place to work." Ouch.

Yet what should a networker do about an attractive opportunity at Worldwide Widget? Should they act as if this is a low-key informational meeting and hope the contact mentions the opening? They shouldn't be coy. Asking a potential employer directly about a job -- either in writing or verbally -- is called direct contact, which is a legitimate job-search tactic. It's the attempt to disguise direct contact as networking that gets you into trouble. The solution is to make your direct-contact agenda clear, leaving open the possibility of segueing back into a networking posture if the lead goes nowhere:

Marion, several people have mentioned that the start-up of your new division might create a need for someone who can manage a full set of financial and accounting controls. If that's true, I'd like to express my interest. If my friends have it wrong and there's no prospect for employment here, then perhaps we could go to Plan B -- that is, I'd welcome the chance to informally network about the market for controllers and CFOs in high-tech manufacturing in this region.

Another common miscue relates to the networker's and the contact's roles. Many networkers fail to give contacts a frame of reference that can reduce the following concerns about his or her role:

• Why are you calling me?
• Who gave you my name -- and why?
• What am I supposed to know that's of interest to you? What kind of help are you looking for?
• What do I need to know about your situation to give you appropriate advice?
• What are the stakes here? How much am I being asked to do? Are there any risks?

When requesting a networking meeting, many inept networkers invoke the clout of the referral source -- "Your friend, Barney, said to give you a call" -- without disclosing their agenda or checking the referral's accuracy. The contact, as a favor to the friend, may agree to spend time with you only to learn halfway through the meeting that the referral provided inaccurate information: "Barney said I know a lot about widgets? Well, that's wrong: I'm an expert on gidgets."

Good networkers respect the contact's intelligence and wisdom, or try to. Since they were asked to provide expertise, contacts will become irritable if they don't get to display it. They don't like to feel like ignorant lunkheads. Yet many networkers do just that. They don't test the contact's level of knowledge or sophistication before or during the meeting.

Most job seekers assume that the best networking leads will come from colleagues or people in their field. Many of the juiciest leads, however, are unearthed "by coincidence" through casual conversations with friends, acquaintances or those outside your professional circle. If these casual contacts are to be your antennae, picking up random but promising signals from the marketplace, you must provide them with a clear picture of your employment profile and objectives.

Don't make them suffer through incomprehensible shoptalk or talk down to them, a la Mr. Rogers: "Do you know what a turbocharger is? Well, you see, car engines burn a combination of oxygen and a combustible liquid" Most men would rather die than admit ignorance, so they'll smile and nod even if they haven't a clue what you're talking about. Inside, they're seething. Nothing the networker says registers and sticks. Once the meeting ends, there's no way they'll be willing or able to help.

How you say something can damage the networking relationship as much as what you say. Without intending to, we can send alarming messages that say, in effect, "This interaction isn't what it appears to be," or "What you're seeing isn't genuinely the way I am."

A networking meeting isn't a sales transaction and shouldn't feel like one to the contact. Hard- and soft-sell tricks and techniques salespeople use to overcome defenses and objections are easily recognized. Anything that signals, "this isn't a personal interaction between two individuals" will dampen spontaneity and contacts' willingness to help later on.

Ironically, while preparing for a meeting flatters a contact and shows you respect his time, over-rehearsing can make an interaction seem canned. If practicing makes you respond automatically to questions or launch into sing-song repetitions of your strengths, contacts think, "Hah! This isn't a real conversation. This is a pre-scripted, one-size-fits-all sales pitch." If you use five-dollar words and stilted grammar, the contact will turn off ("This guy is a pompous phony") or become defensive ("Why did this woman rehearse her presentation? She must have something to hide."). If you must practice, use the three Cs: concise, casual and conversational.

Good networkers give contacts time to speak, since they know it's as important to be interested as to be interesting. They listen actively to what contacts say. They paraphrase and reality-test ("Let me see if I understand you correctly"). They reflect on the contact's judgment and perspective and appear to respect them (even if he isn't particularly astute).

Poor networkers do the opposite. Either because time is limited or they're nervous, they talk quickly or loudly during networking meetings. They grab the microphone and fight the contacts' attempts for air-time as if waging battle. As a result, contacts rightly feel these networkers are over controlling and tick off the "control freak" box on their mental check list. They may appear to relax and stop sending "when-is-it-my-turn?" body language signals but have actually stopped listening, competing and caring.

In addition, effective networkers always respect:

Time. They don't ask for too much or too little (a request for a "20-minute meeting" is naive or a misrepresentation), and they mind the clock vigilantly once a meeting commences.

Offers to help. They show sincere gratitude for offers to make personal introductions, follow up promptly on referrals and never use the contact's name for referral purposes without permission.

Confidentiality. They don't attribute information to a contact or other source without reflecting on whether the disclosure will compromise the person.

The value of gratitude. They communicate appreciation at the meeting, inform the contact of where and how his counsel has been valuable, provide the contact with information that may be of interest and speak warmly of the contact's helpfulness to others.

When all goes well, the networker creates a treasure that goes far beyond help in securing employment. Thoughtful, considerate networking creates lasting sources of information, support and friendship that pay dividends in countless other contexts. Bad networkers milk short-term interactions. Once re-employed, they allow their networks to atrophy, confirming suspicions that they were interested solely in personal gain. Contacts who've been burned, demeaned or simply forgotten are entitled to cynicism -- which diminishes their willingness to help others.

Most bad networkers arm themselves with the shield of innocent intent: "I don't mean to take contacts for granted." "No way I intended to control that meeting -- I'm the one who was nervous!" But the consequences of their behaviors persist regardless. Before every networking meeting, job seekers should pause and view the transaction from the contact's eyes. Respect is top on their list of needs, and it's their job to provide it.