Question: I have networked with everyone I know, but it has turned up nothing. People seem like they want to help, but they change their minds for some reason. Where do I turn next? Should I start cold calling hiring managers?

-- Gary, Denver

Gary: Whoa. Before you begin cold calling hiring managers, let's deal with the networking issue. I can't say for sure, but from the tone of your note, I'm inclined to believe that your networking contacts haven't helped because you haven't asked right.

Networking is simply an overused and poorly understood term for exercising good people skills and building good relationships. It isn't something to be whipped out when you need a favor. "It's like flossing your teeth," says Andrea Nierenberg, a New York business-development consultant and author of "Nonstop Networking" (Capital Books, 2002). "You can't do it once and expect it to work. You have to do it consistently to get results."

Most people who receive outplacement assistance -- about two thirds of them -- find new positions through networking. Surveys have shown this to be true for the past 15 years. Many people have heard this statistic, and so they think that as soon as they lose their jobs, they need to pick up the phone and start asking others to help them find a new position. Mistake!

The essence of good networking is the giving part, not the getting, and it takes time for someone who has just started to network to put enough deposits in the friendship bank to be able to make withdrawals. What have you done for the people you have called that would make them want to help you? Presumably, you want to be recommended for a job, referred to a hiring manager or be told of openings. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't give a referral or recommendation to anyone I didn't know well, especially someone who called me out of the blue. That's because I'm on the line if a person I refer doesn't work out. I wouldn't put my reputation at risk for just anyone.

Job hunters who network only because they need a job are the worst kind of networkers, says Ms. Nierenberg. She calls them "hit-and-run networkers."

"People who say they tried networking and it isn't working make me laugh, because they expect something overnight," she says. "But it's a process of relationship building, becoming an advocate for other people and creating trust. Then people will believe in you and will want to refer you."

It takes time to build relationships and for them then to bear fruit, says Ms. Nierenberg. You might argue, "But I'm unemployed and need a job now. I have no time for building relationships."

Make time. A sense of urgency creates desperation, which is a real turn-off. If you need to earn money, find a part-time or temporary position and then start doing the types of things that make you visible and trustworthy to others, Ms. Nierenberg suggests. For instance, you could join a professional group, tell the people who run it that you're unemployed and volunteer to work in the office or take on a job no one wants. Almost every group needs help with its newsletter, for instance, and writing an article is a perfect excuse to call important people in your field.

You can do the same thing for local community groups, your church or your alumni association. Realize you can learn something from everyone you meet, if you ask questions and listen well. It's ironic, but selfless listeners are remembered as interesting people, even if they don't say much. That's because what we tend to like most is talking about ourselves. But if you make yourself and your needs the target of the conversation, you aren't likely to make a great impression.

Don't be discouraged if you are shy or feel socially inept. Nowadays, a lot of networking happens online, which removes the face-to-face interaction. But you still need to think up ways to make a meaningful connection.

When you attend events in person, keep simple goals in mind. You don't need to meet everyone at the party (remember, don't hit and run). A good goal might be to talk sincerely with two or three people. Develop an interesting introduction, and think of questions to ask others. Some career experts say to avoid talking about what you do professionally in an initial conversation. Instead, just try to establish a foundation that might allow you to call the person and get together later.

Don't assume you've exhausted your networking contacts and can't contact them again. You can call back and eat a little crow. Say you were a bit panicked when you talked before and you would like some advice, not an actual job referral. By learning more about these people and their companies, you may find opportunities to be of service to them.

As for cold-calling employers, I'd hold off until your people skills are in top shape.