How often do you walk away from a difficult discussion with an angry colleague or client without having accurately communicated your point of view? It's only later, on the ride home, that you repeatedly play through your mind exactly what you should have said.

"It's the talk you give to your steering wheel," says Lydia Harb, a Melbourne-based training consultant. "Coming home thinking, 'Why didn't I say this?' "

Assertiveness is not always easily cultivated in the work force, with many sacrificing their own rights in the process. "Assertive communication is the ability to stand up for yourself, to express your rights as well as the rights of others," says Ms. Harb, the director of Harb-Trower & Associates, which teaches leadership, management and communication skills to executives in Australia, Hong Kong and Singapore. "You want to get your point of view across, to take a firm stance but in doing so allow the other person to save face."

Whether it's tough talk with a client or a colleague, remember, "It's not about who's right and who's wrong, it's about maintaining the relationship," she says. Ms. Harb tells Getting Ahead how to make an assertive stand at that next meeting or sales call.

The Self-Esteem Connection

Managers and employees who are great communicators are often able to walk away from workplace conflicts unscathed. "We know those people who make us think, 'I think they just told me off, they corrected me, but I walked away feeling good,' " says Ms. Harb. "Whether it's an innate ability or something developed over time . . . they're able to maintain respect for others as well as defend their own thoughts."

Their secret? It boils down to higher levels of self-esteem. Those willing to engage in debate may be exposing themselves to criticism, but they don't take the fallout personally. "They look at it as a learning challenge," Ms. Harb says.

Those who don't value their self-esteem as highly are less likely to take an assertive stance in the workplace. "We want to be liked. We don't want people to feel we're aggressive," Ms. Harb says. "But in appearing nice we sacrifice our own needs and wants, then bottle up our frustrations until we explode."

Being assertive means being able to say no, not accepting every request and being able to explain why. "It's about being direct, firm and fair," she says.

Language Skills

Verbal cues also reflect our level of assertiveness. Typically, unassertive communicators use fillers, Ms. Harb says, and as a result, "the person listening doesn't give you the respect." These are simple preambles such as: "This might sound silly" or "If you get the time could you possibly" or "I'm probably wrong here."

Once stripped of those preambles, also think about other ways you address colleagues. To come across confidently, stick to "I" and "we" in the conversation, Ms. Harb says. " I think" or "I feel" or "we should look at" are examples of assertive language. "It's straightforward, it's inclusive, and won't come across as a putdown."

Avoid emotionally charged phrases such as "this is your fault," she says. If discussions do become heated, talk about the problem, not the person. "Remember, it's not about blame, but solving the situation."

Respond, Don't React

If you do find yourself in a strained conversation at work, Ms. Harb suggests the following assertive formula:

First, describe the issue objectively without blame, using phrases such as, "If I understand you correctly." State your response without blame, focusing on how you feel: "I am frustrated, annoyed, overwhelmed, etc."

Then, explain what action you would like to take and why. "You listen to them, you acknowledge their feelings -- people are less likely to argue with you when you're agreeing with what they say -- then you state your situation, and get their advice on what to do," she says. "Don't react emotionally to what's being said, but respond."

Listening is a key component of effective communication. "We listen thinking about our reply . . . we're thinking about what we're going to say instead of what's being said," she says. "As the saying goes, we have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth, and we should use them in that ratio."