Question: My boss is an authoritative manager who seems disturbed by any differing opinion and has been defensive several times with me. It's a small workplace and we need to work closely on projects. How can I break down the walls so I can feel safe to say what I mean without worsening things? I am 42 and six months into this job.
Answer: Confident executives don't take criticism badly. Since you have been there just six months, it's possible your boss believes you're still learning and isn't ready to hear your opinions.
But it's more likely that he's a tyrant and you would ultimately be better off working elsewhere, says Steven Berglas, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist who coaches senior executives and helps companies with executive selection.
"Your boss is probably stuck and isn't open to any threat to his authority," says Dr. Berglas. "It's a no-win situation, and it's time to get out of Dodge."
Career success comes from understanding what your boss wants and meeting his needs quickly so you can accomplish other goals, such as finding a new job. Stop questioning him, since it makes things worse for you, and focus on your next step, which should be to enlist his aid in helping you find work elsewhere, says Dr. Berglas, author of "Reclaiming the Fire: How Successful People Can Avoid Burnout." (Random House, 2001).
One way is to use "strategic" self-deprecation, or the "Wayne's World I Am Not Worthy" of working here approach, says Dr. Berglas. "Ingratiate him into becoming an ally and helping you get out of there by singing your praises," he says.
If the organization is large enough, lobby to move to a new department. If it's a small company and you aren't financially able to change jobs yet, it's worth trying to improve the situation, says Barry Zweibel, an executive coach in Northbrook, Ill.
When your manager is in a receptive mood, ask if he will meet with you. Some managers are most relaxed on Friday afternoons, while others are more open to requests after finishing a project. "Don't ask when he's preparing for a big meeting or has a major crisis going on," says Mr. Zweibel.
When asking for the get-together, use communication channels the boss prefers, and explain why you want to talk, such as, "I want us to discuss how I can work more effectively with you and tell you where I'm coming from as well."
"Cranky bosses don't like surprises, so be clear about what you want," Mr. Zweibel says.
Try to keep the conversation on the issue, which is how the two of you interrelate. Explain that you want to exceed your boss's expectations and provide what he needs in a timely manner. Don't try to justify your point of view or back your boss into a corner about his management style because he may come out swinging.
Ask him if you're doing something unintentionally that interferes with your relationship. Try not to get defensive or withdraw emotionally if your boss says something insensitive. Also, be flexible about the outcome of the meeting since it may not turn out the way differ from what you expect.
At the end of the session, thank your manager for the opportunity regardless of how things went so that the lines of communication remain open between you. "Some conversations naturally have semi-colons in them," says Mr. Zweibel. "They are suited to be ongoing over a period of time."
If you have had issues with bosses in the past, the meeting may shed light on what you've been doing wrong. Perhaps you play devil's advocate when it isn't welcome, such as during brainstorming sessions or in deadline situations.
If your relationship doesn't improve, accelerate your plans to find a new position elsewhere. Suffering under a tyrannical manager in exchange for a paycheck will erode your self-esteem and emotional well-being and may lead you to doing something you regret to get fired, says Dr. Berglas. "It's like staying in a bad marriage," he says. "Why risk burning out when you can exit gracefully?"
